Defining Fear....

 

I have a thalassophobia, also known as fear of the ocean. I'm very uncomfortable being in open waters. I fear what is beneath me. I fear sea creatures and mostly I fear the unknown.

This fear sadly carries with me on dry land as well. The fear of the unknown has halted me from doing many amazing things.
I remember this fear being created by my older brothers when I was just a little kid. They made me watch Jaws...I know now more than ever, that a kid my age was way too young to watch Jaws. The Jaws movie contributed to my thalassophobia.
Since I moved to Dubai over 8 years ago (the ocean land) my only objective is to face my fear. Mind you, it's still a work-in-progress. I have to thank my amazing supportive husband that often has to deal with my hysteria in the water. His patience (and love for anything outdoor) has helped me discover a beautiful adventurous world. In our recent trip to CapeTown, yours truly went cage diving with the sharks!
As I look back today, I wish I did certain things...no regrets of course, because as I sit here today writing this, I also love where I am. But sometimes I can't help but imagining where I could have been...

I must admit now more than ever, I have learned to follow my heart. It means so much to be able to count on your heart and your happiness. It is one of the most difficult things to do, as the heart sometimes makes absolute no sense.
 

Early this year, I made the decision to quit a very miserable job. I had no backup. I was so scared to quit. It took me over 6 months to make that decision. When you are 35 years old, it's quite difficult to simply walk away from a steady income. Something in my heart, something deep in my gut kept telling me that this job was toxic. I had no real evidence, no tangible reasoning that this job was not for me. On the contrary, many of my friends were envious of this job. So imagine how hard it was to walk away from it all? I seemed to be the a spoiled ungrateful brat.

Post the big decision, I went on my fair share of interviews. I remember one interview clearly with a Omani CEO who held franchises for major international brand names. It was one of the most unprofessional interviews I have ever attended. To be honest, if this interview occurred in a first world country, this man would have been legally sued for being an asshole. (do they have that kind of law?)

I had won an award from a international committee for one of my marketing campaigns. When I was talking to him about details on how this particular campaign was executed, he bluntly cut me off and condescendingly said "did you give yourself that award?"

As I walked away from that meeting I felt tortured. There was nothing in this world that made me sadder. It was as if all the years of hard work I proudly did for companies came crashing down.

I wondered; how did men like him become leaders? Who in their right mind would want to look up to him?

 

I also spoke to many pompous recruiters, endless HR executives who never returned calls or emails post interviews. Many never gave feedback and even ignored me when I bumped into them on the street. I felt worthless, as if all my hard years of work were meaningless. I started to question: "what's wrong with me?" I started to question whether I made the right decision leaving my toxic job. I started regretting my decision and wondered why I couldn't simply just put up with the work and ignore my happiness. Who cares what I felt? Its just a job right?

I felt like a was dating all these losers and attracted all the wrong men. I kept kissing frog after frog and kept feeling ill. Every wrong frog reminded me of that one guy that got away. Was I doing the right thing? Was I on the right path? My head kept questioning it all, while my heart just kept telling me to fight. Why was my mind stronger than my heart?



On one of my very low days, I saw a posting for a job that seemed to fit me perfectly. Against all hope in my heart, I still went forward with the application. I applied with pessimism. I was my worst critic often thinking "lol, ya right...I will never get it"

I've struggled through the 1 month interview process, the kind of struggle that came from within. The interview itself went smoothly, but the struggle came from inside myself. Even on the day they sent the contract, I still questioned myself.

Fear is generated from people that make us feel incompetent....like the Omani CEO. So many examples like the latter have been our detriment, our exe husbands/wives, exe bosses, a crazy cousin or aunt...all of them were contributors to the creation of our inner fear.

And to all the negatives people in our lives that have managed to use us to make themselves feel better: thank you for making me never look up to you, rely on you, follow your lack of leadership and your condescending remarks. You were the inspiration to all of this.